An Admission of Which I Am Not Proud

Can I admit something to you? I’m not proud of this, but here’s a little peek into the real me, warts and all. I’m ashamed of my feelings, but I’ve gotta write them down, hopefully debilitating their power over me so that I can let go of this. It’s pretty petty, and certainly not all that big a deal in the scheme of things. But here I go…

Ever since I parted ways with the Rolemonkeys group, I’ve felt totally sick in my tummy whenever the word “Rolemonkeys” gets referenced anywhere. I find myself wishing that I hadn’t just said, “Guys, I’m leaving the group, but you can keep the podcast, the name, and all that goes with it.”

Well, okay, part of me wishes that. The other part of me, the sane and mature part, still knows I did the right thing and that it would actually have been pretty craptastic of me to make any kind of stink about the name when I left. That part of me knows that the name “Rolemonkeys” is not really mine to give or take anyway. We came up with it collectively, it doesn’t belong to me.

Nevertheless, I have to admit to feeling like I got a divorce and instead of fighting for joint custody of the children, I just blew them off and signed away my claim to something that I helped create, something that I actually had primary responsibility for nurturing and growing, just to make it easier to leave. Or maybe it’s like I left a band that I helped form. Actually, it’s very much like that. Now if I’m David Lee Roth, and I leave Van Halen, then the remaining guys ought to be able to keep the frackin’ name, right? But I’m NOT the David Lee Roth of this analogy. I’m the Eddie Van Halen. And if Eddie Van Halen leaves Van Halen, is it still Van Halen?

Now, let me be clear – I’m not changing my mind. I’m not going to go mess with those guys and ask them to stop using the name “Rolemonkeys” nor am I even going to suggest that they should – my feelings on this are entirely selfish and shameful, and I admit that.

But damn, every time somebody blogs a link to a new Rolemonkeys episode, or mentions the Rolemonkeys on a podcast, I feel gut-punched, I feel stupid. I feel sorry for myself because now, when the name and the brand and the show that I put so much work and time and money into gets mentioned, it is no longer including me. And it’s my fault for letting it go so easily.

Don’t get me wrong. This is on me. I made the choices. No gun, sword, or other weapon to coerce me. Just my need to swim in a different direction while hurting as few feelings as possible.

So. Not so much feeling the proud-of-myselfness right now. But yeah, I think it does help a bit to admit it. This whole thing’s got me bothered, second-guessing my actions and choices and wondering if I should have thought it through a little first.

Sundown of a Dream

I am going to write something today that I hope will be proven wrong over the next few months. But it’s where my head is today, and that’s what a journal is for, right?

So yesterday, Hillary Clinton did it. She found a way to bring the momentum and the attention and apparently the support of much of the middle class back to her side.

She’s no closer in delegates to Obama than she was before, but now she’s got it looking like the “important” states all support her, that many of the superdelagates should – and probably will – support her as well.

I think Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. I don’t think she’ll have the most delegates, but I think she’ll be the nominee. And I think therefore that John McCain will be the next president.

Why? Beyond the fact that she’s a very polarizing figure and is the most hated person in the world in the minds of many Republicans, there is this. She’s now on record saying things in an effort to make Obama look bad that will actually end up biting her in the ass later in the general campaign.

I actually have generally liked Hillary up until recently, and I also used to like Bill a lot. I don’t care about the Lewinsky crap, I loved Bill Clinton.

But I also accepted that the Clintons are going to maintain the Red-Blue divisive status quo, and their second reign in the White House would be hard, bitter, ugly, and exhausting.

So, I fell for Obama, hook line, and sinker. I felt hope, inspiration, optimism, and a reawakened idealism. I also looked beyond that, did my homework, checked the facts and the voting records and the policy positions, and after that fell even harder for Obama than before.

But yesterday, the reality check came crashing down in a wash of confetti over the head of the senator from New York.

Hillary Clinton will get the nomination. I’m not sure how, but she will. And even if not, I think now she’s forced the game to change, and Barack Obama will have to shift his stance to an uglier and more brutal approach.

I don’t want him to do that. I don’t want him to finish the job she started, re-killing my idealism. I don’t want Obama to become what she is daring him to become, what she too easily became.

So this is what I believe now. I believe Barack Obama should concede the race to Clinton, right now. I think he should drop out, use his skills to unify the party and undergird Hillary’s base with his own, and do whatever he can to help get her in the White House. Possibly even including agreeing to be her VP nominee.

If the Democrats don’t unite now, it’s lost. McCain will win. And Hillary won’t step off. So Barack must. I hate it, but I believe it.

That’s how I feel today. I hope I’m proven wrong.

Kinda Big News from a Misfit Monkey

I apologize for this coming out of nowhere but I’ll get right to the point.

I’ve decided to resign from The Rolemonkeys, effective immediately.

I’m going to take some time off from producing podcasts and face-to-face gaming. I’ve got too much stuff on my plate right now and juggling all of my hobby stuff in with my freelance work and family life has become more and more difficult, and it’s just not working for me anymore. Plus, I need to focus more of the hobby time that I DO have on completing VAM and on thinking through what kind of roleplayer I want to be when I grow up.

My Two Weeks


Wow, it’s been over two weeks since I posted on this blog. In the meantime, I’ve visited The Game Master Show HQ, rocked some good VAM brainstorming with David, Erin, and Mario, watched Six-String-Samurai, went on vacation in Central Illinois with my wife, turned 41, and survived a housefull of relative strangers on Thanksgiving Day by imbibing several shots of Smirnoff (I like Skyy better) followed up with several glasses of mint chocolate Bailey’s.

I also came up with a new project to pursue via blog – and probably – podcast. It is called TGTMB. Well, it’s not actually called”TGTMB”, that’s just the acronym for the actual title. But it’s not ready for prime-time yet, so I’m just teasing you right now. I’d estimate an early December unveiling.

Now I’ve just gotta get an intro recorded for the Rolemonkeys’ Giants playtest so it can get released as an episode. Back in a while!