Can I admit something to you? I’m not proud of this, but here’s a little peek into the real me, warts and all. I’m ashamed of my feelings, but I’ve gotta write them down, hopefully debilitating their power over me so that I can let go of this. It’s pretty petty, and certainly not all that big a deal in the scheme of things. But here I go…
Ever since I parted ways with the Rolemonkeys group, I’ve felt totally sick in my tummy whenever the word “Rolemonkeys” gets referenced anywhere. I find myself wishing that I hadn’t just said, “Guys, I’m leaving the group, but you can keep the podcast, the name, and all that goes with it.”
Well, okay, part of me wishes that. The other part of me, the sane and mature part, still knows I did the right thing and that it would actually have been pretty craptastic of me to make any kind of stink about the name when I left. That part of me knows that the name “Rolemonkeys” is not really mine to give or take anyway. We came up with it collectively, it doesn’t belong to me.
Nevertheless, I have to admit to feeling like I got a divorce and instead of fighting for joint custody of the children, I just blew them off and signed away my claim to something that I helped create, something that I actually had primary responsibility for nurturing and growing, just to make it easier to leave. Or maybe it’s like I left a band that I helped form. Actually, it’s very much like that. Now if I’m David Lee Roth, and I leave Van Halen, then the remaining guys ought to be able to keep the frackin’ name, right? But I’m NOT the David Lee Roth of this analogy. I’m the Eddie Van Halen. And if Eddie Van Halen leaves Van Halen, is it still Van Halen?
Now, let me be clear – I’m not changing my mind. I’m not going to go mess with those guys and ask them to stop using the name “Rolemonkeys” nor am I even going to suggest that they should – my feelings on this are entirely selfish and shameful, and I admit that.
But damn, every time somebody blogs a link to a new Rolemonkeys episode, or mentions the Rolemonkeys on a podcast, I feel gut-punched, I feel stupid. I feel sorry for myself because now, when the name and the brand and the show that I put so much work and time and money into gets mentioned, it is no longer including me. And it’s my fault for letting it go so easily.
Don’t get me wrong. This is on me. I made the choices. No gun, sword, or other weapon to coerce me. Just my need to swim in a different direction while hurting as few feelings as possible.
So. Not so much feeling the proud-of-myselfness right now. But yeah, I think it does help a bit to admit it. This whole thing’s got me bothered, second-guessing my actions and choices and wondering if I should have thought it through a little first.